I questioned my reality at a young age.
What my parents viewed as "crazy" was my everyday life.
I made bad decisions and acted recklessly. And after my mom died in 2005, I took that time to have a four-year-long emotional breakdown.
It was painful. But it was something I needed to go through to become the woman I am today.
It's hard to believe that it's been almost twelve years since she passed. It's hard to believe I still haven't figured my shit out, either...
But isn't that kind of the beauty of life?
We grow and make tons of mistakes, and hopefully learn from things we fuck up.
I see, though, as a parent, it's not so easy to just do and not ponder all the consequences of every action beforehand.
(That's how we royally fuck our kids up, huh?)
I remember thinking my cousins had their shit together at my age.
And as I look through thirty-year-old goggles at my ten years older cousins, I see how much I have to be thankful for.
I see how my little act-outs changed my life for the better. And that's okay.
It's okay any way.
Today, I'm sitting on my couch, feet reclined at a ninety-degree angle and writing the first post of my new blog.
(And I'm excited, let me tell you.)
Do I know if it'll go anywhere? No. No I don't.
Do I know if I made the right decision to close the full-time doors on my business—GoffCreative—to go back to writing creatively and just focusing on my health and my family?
...I'm not quite sure yet.
But this is the journey I'm ready to take. I'm ready to shift gears at thirty.
I'm ready to be who I want to be and do what I want to do for the first time in my life.
Let's see if the rest of the world likes it or not. (Although I really don't give a shit either way.)
What do I want to do with this?
Hmm… Good question.
I don't want to get my hopes too high, but it's something to look forward to.
'How's your business going?'
'Fine.' I hate it.
My fingers are crossed, but I'm not sure if that's enough anymore.
They always end up letting you down.
It always happens in droves.
She caught me with the knife when I was sixteen, maybe seventeen.
There's no winning with blame.
Every time I think I'm getting better at this whole life thing, I do something wrong and set it back.
I like getting older.
There's something about with age and experience comes wisdom that's exhilarating.
I'll see this one through, I tell myself. I'll finish it.
After this, I'll put it to bed. After this, I'll move forward.
Something I learned as a visual artist and writer is that some of the best healing comes from expression.
There's something surreal about standing in front of a crowd of strangers—writers who all want the same thing.
At the end of the Writers In Paradise sessions, everyone got a chance to present a refined version of their submitted work, or a new story they were working on.
I was the only teenager at Writers in Paradise with Dennis Lehane, Sterling Watson and other well-known authors back in 2006.