How bad would it be if I ditched the doctors?
I heard "drug trial" and immediately felt like a dollar sign, a number.
A number in a sea of other numbers, suspended in space. Like those "lower your cholesterol" commercials with the stylized digits floating about, illuminating the smiling actor's numbers as they begin to count down, presumably because he took said advertised drug.
I should be happy, shouldn't I?
Apparently since there's no FDA-approved drug for high triglycerides and LDL cholesterol, both, I have the opportunity to be a guinea pig—to get "free treatment" as a test subject.
But the thing is, I know genetics aren't on my side here, and my life is unwillingly sedentary, but I know there are other options. There's more than just "pump more chemicals into your body and hope for the best while never actually addressing the real fucking problem".
There are more options—more than just thread a lit tube through your colon at thirty years old in search of… what was it, again?
Bacteria? Because everything else would've shown up from the CT scan.
Why do I feel like I'm being taken advantage of by [American medical] doctors?
You didn't fast? But you're having a lipid panel test done. Your cholesterol and triglycerides will be through the roof.
I don't know. I just did what she said to do on the paperwork.
She stared at me.
Okay, but this test isn't going to be accurate. You're probably gonna have to come back in and fast for this.
"Your triglycerides and cholesterol are high, Sara."
Your cholesterol and triglycerides will be through the roof!
"What does that mean? What can I do about it?"
"Well, there aren't any FDA-approved drugs at this point in time, but there is a drug trial to lower both bad cholesterol and triglycerides…"
What the hell is happening right now? Why did I cancel the Porphyria appointment? Dammit, Sara.
"Woman to woman," I said. "I have three kids and I'm thirty: Is being in a drug trial a good idea for someone with so much to lose?"
"You have nothing to lose. It's free medical attention."
I'd rather pay and not be taken advantage of.
I'd rather pay and live.
I'm looking into natural medicine. I'd rather change my life completely than throw more pills at the problem.
I'm tired of living like this.
He didn't sign up for this, but he's still here.
A Pill For A Pill Leaves The Whole World Drugged
I've got nothing of value today. Only anger.
What could it be?
I didn’t prepare for it.
I think I like not knowing.
What do I want to do with this?
Hmm… Good question.
It had just started to rain and the dog was whining at the back sliding glass door.
I don't want to get my hopes too high, but it's something to look forward to.
"What do you want it to be?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you act like I haven't done anything over the last three years. Three years..."
So much stuff. What's the goddamned point?
Time seems to slip away faster now.
If only I could take them with me.
'How's your business going?'
'Fine.' I hate it.
If only he knew her, then he'd understand.
'I wouldn't do it again, if that's what you mean,' I said, pulling my MacBook Pro closer to me atop the long work table in the mall.
What was she thinking?
My fingers are crossed, but I'm not sure if that's enough anymore.
They always end up letting you down.
It always happens in droves.
She caught me with the knife when I was sixteen, maybe seventeen.
I like being flawed. It gives me something to write about.
I let my kids examine my naked body yesterday.
There's no winning with blame.
Every time I think I'm getting better at this whole life thing, I do something wrong and set it back.
It was cold that day. Odd for Florida.
I gave twenty dollars to a woman on the side of the road today.
I like getting older.
There's something about with age and experience comes wisdom that's exhilarating.
The bad thing about family is you can never escape the past.
They remember everything.
I'll see this one through, I tell myself. I'll finish it.
After this, I'll put it to bed. After this, I'll move forward.