It's My Time Now

I think I like not knowing.

Outside of spinning my wheels over waiting, the prospect of knowing means too many bad things. Or, maybe it'll be all good things. Like emerging into the world a new person. One not tethered by a past—baggage that weighs you down no matter how much you leave behind.

Not knowing opens you up to various opportunities.

I remember my mom, burdened with the diagnosis of inoperable lung cancer. Burdened with the chemotherapy and radiation and IRESSA®, the "chemo pill".

She lived for three and a half years—three years longer than she was told she had.

There were plenty of beautiful moments in those three and a half years, but even as her daughter who didn't leave her side (except for school), it wasn't worth knowing.

Her death was not a good death. Her death wasn't made better by knowing. 

It was agonizing—to go through and to watch, to love the person suffering and be loved by the people watching you suffer.

I don't have cancer and I don't want to. I'm not saying I wouldn't take treatment if one day I did, but I also saw what happened after she died—the bills, the mourning, the promises; promises that never should've been requested.

Promises that never should have been kept.

"She was never good with money," he'd said.

So why did you do say you'd do it, even though you knew it was a bad idea? She wasn't going to be here. You have to deal with the aftermath, not her.

"Could I tell a dying woman no?"

"You could lie. Sometimes it's for the right reasons."

But I guess that sets me apart from others. My first class ticket to Hell.

I could look a dying woman in the eye and tell her I'd continue making art and singing and do great things with my life—the life she gave me.

I did tell her I would, but then I got busy.

It took twelve years but here I am, writing—writing words I'm not sure have any purpose other than clearing my mind and helping me to focus on myself, my health, and not just on everyone else like I've always seemed to do.

In the past I've felt selfish, but I see things different now. I'm getting back to basics and doing more of the things I want to do for me. In turn, I hope my family sees the good and not just that Mommy only does what she wants all the time.

I'm tired of doing things for everyone else. 

It's my time now, even if it's only for a little while. It's mine.

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I'm Sara. Mompreneur of 3, wife to super-awesome Brian, business coach, infopreneur and printable product creator.