Waiting

"What do you want it to be?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you act like I haven't done anything over the last three years. Three years..."

"What are you talking about? I just don't like doctors. I think you should get a second opinion."

"This is the fifth opinion, now. Feel free to front me the money to get more CT scans, ultrasounds—whatever the next doctors need to see that's already been done multiple times before. It's onto the specialist now. That's the next step."

"I'm just worried about you, Sara."

You're worried? I think. I feel like my body is dying and there's literally nothing I can do but wait. Wait and make calls and wait some more. Fuck your "worried". It's no good here.


Lots of waiting. It seems like that's all I do lately. Wait.

Wait to finish a project to go get my youngest two from school. Wait till my husband is done working upstairs so he can cook dinner since I can't even bend over to get pans or move around in the kitchen without severe abdominal pain. Then wait till it's time for the girls to go to bed. Wait for bed…

It's life right now, I suppose. Waiting.

Waiting for the doctors' offices to call me back is the worst. Hours go by and there's nothing I can do. Some places seem like the more "squeaky wheel" I play, the longer I have to wait for.

I just want answers, but I don't at the same time. I want treatment. I want to know what the hell is happening inside my body. Outside my body.

I just keep getting fatter waiting. Tired waiting. Crankier waiting.

Waiting for something to happen? For something to pan out for me? For us? 

Answers. Answers won't make things "better", per se. Probably just worse. Easier rests at the ends of my fingertips, but it's not a word in my dictionary anymore.

Easy. No, waiting isn't easy. Waiting on other people sucks. It's painful in and of itself. 

I won't pretend I'm the only patient or customer or client or whatever I should be referred to as, but I sure in hell am tired of waiting—just like all the other people suffering. Those waiting to die, waiting to live, waiting to…

To what? Live easier maybe?

I'm tired of waiting.

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I'm Sara. Mompreneur of 3, wife to super-awesome Brian, business coach, infopreneur and printable product creator.